Small Blessings Blog

Miscarriage & termination - honouring what is

Jai Ram Kaur Hergo - Friday, July 26, 2019
Everything that is must be honoured.


My husband is a psychologist and facilitator of systemic family constellations.


This approach works with the family (or other system) field in which any individual exists and recognises that there is a lot going on in that field that influences us, and that is often fully outside of our conscious knowledge. Stories that have been passed down, patterns in relationships, emotions we carry for other family members, mis(identifications), ideas and beliefs that inform our sense of belonging, for better and for worse.


As an assistant and sometimes translator at these workshops, as part of the process of disentangling what is entangled and restoring what we call “the orders of love”, I’ve now stood in the shoes of hundreds of humans and felt what they feel. It’s humbling, educating, healing and also very inspiring.

I’ve learned a lot too about women and their babies.

I’ve learned that there is not a single baby that does not matter to the mother. 

It is such a profound thing, to carry a life inside of you, and the love is so great and involuntary that it changes the course of your life forever. 




Currently many are reeling from the ban on abortion in some states of America. The teachings of Kundalini Yoga are clear on this matter: the one who should decide what is to happen with a pregnancy is always the woman herself. Also, we say that the soul only comes in to the body at 120 days into pregnancy, so that has an influence. 

That women should decide over their own lives, hearts and bodies is not up for discussion. But it is so important, as I have learned standing in all those shoes, to see things as they are, to stand in and see and feel what is and to honour what is. There can be no peace without that.

A woman who has miscarried (though the amount of miscarriages that went by unnoticed is probably huge, and this is not what I am referring to here, but rather the miscarriages that felt significant and were very much noticed) carries that baby forever more, nonetheless. The grief and loss are huge, so that carrying that with us makes our hearts bigger out of necessity, to hold all that. Other, perhaps less progressed miscarriages aren't always acknowledged for the impact they have. They aren't considered significant enough. But, the truth is, in many cases the baby remains as a presence carried in the woman's heart forever, whether acknowledged or not. And that matters. 

 Honouring what is is all that humans can do. And it is a lot. Taking the time and space to fully honour and acknowledge that baby opens the door to a peace that perhaps sometimes we didn't know was missing until we felt it. And, a lesser thought of but hugely influential fact, this honouring also has a significant relieving effect on children who were born after the miscarriage, as these ones often feel not quite right, or even guilty of being alive, until this child who passed is fully honoured and given a good place in the family system. This we clearly see in family constellation work. 

Let's also think about terminations of pregnancy. There is not a rule to say how significant this is for a woman. But what we can see is that here too, women carry all their babies with them emotionally and spiritually, regardless. That a life did not come into being because of her (and the father’s) decision is something that too needs to be acknowledged. There are many good, responsible and valid reasons why a woman might terminate a pregnancy. It is never here about morals. Natural laws are just that: natural. Morality and judgement is man-made – projected on top of what just is. 

 To live with the full significance and consequence of our actions and to be with what is, to embrace what is and give the unborn baby a good place in your heart, all that is dignifying, strengthening and healing. It makes you grow as a person. And then life can go on with a deeper grace, a deeper reality and a freedom to live a future that is not hampered negatively by the past. Rather the past enriches the present and blesses the future.  Everything that is must be honoured.

If you feel stirred or triggered by this post because of experiences of your own, you may wish to get in touch with me for a private session. There are simple and quite light though deep ways to move through this process which have a significantly positive ripple-on effects in your life in unexpected and surprising ways. More info here. 

Also, if you feel called to know more about systemic family constellations, check out Beant’s website. We offer regular workshops in the Fremantle area. 
photo by Korrakit Pinsrisook
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